Some of you know that I keep my list of ambitions as a LiveJournal to-do list. Ambition 99 reads "Find someone I can trust completely ...in all aspects of my life at a "life partner" level." Previously, I had estimated this ambition as being 15% complete. After just one weekend with Meg, I am ready to revise this estimate to "90% at least" - and this figure will only rise with time.
Meg's company makes me feel more comfortable than that of anyone else I have ever yet met. Being with her makes everything more pleasant; any contact with her, whatever the medium, is sure to put a smile on my face. She is incredibly accepting; while she motivates me to do the best I can in all I do, I can feel completely confident that she will like whatever I do because it's me doing it, so long as I remain true to myself. I pledge never to take this for granted, though it's a reassurance to be able to take it to heart and mind-boggling in the depth it covers. It's a joy and an incentive to do things as well as I can in order to make her as happy as I can.
There are many ways in which she is trustworthy; I already find it extremely easy to tell her my innermost secrets, when it has often taken me several years to build up enough security in my other friendships to talk about the things which make me who I am. I also know, though this is such a big claim that it must take some time to sink in, that she sincerely means everything she says to me. Although I am thrilled to know truthful people, they cannot offer the same utter reliability with their compliments.
We share a remarkably similar sense of fun, which is something that might not always come across clearly on LJ. At first I wasn't sure to what extent the fact that many of her major interests are not things which have traditionally filled me with great joy would cause a problem, but the more we talk, the more we learn about our shared cultural heritage and even just the little interests that it is a joy to share. She embraces many of the things that I find the most interesting in their genre: the coolest, the geekiest, the most geekycool, the most so.
Being with Meg gives me the confidence to be silly and playful without fear of reproach, embarrassment or disapproval. This is something that I have long missed in my life and makes every possible source of shared simple fun more sweet; we already have words, gestures and phrases which mean so much despite their meaninglessness. (Her sort of playfulness inspires my own and is a delight to participate in.) At the same time, our attraction is not based on folly alone; we have had very serious discussions about the matters closest to our hearts, we have found that we can disagree with each other respectfully and know that we can share any mood that hits us both, light or dark.
We face comparable challenges in our lives and have similar needs. I have so much to learn from Meg and from how she has reacted to events in the past; already I know that over time she will change me for the better in many ways and look forward to finding out what they all are and how the changes will come about.
It is being far too broad to say that Meg is intelligent. She is knowledgeable enough on a tremendously wide range of subjects to be the renaissance person to which we all aspire; such breadth of knowledge and love for information means that conversation is always a thrill. In addition, she is tremendously precise in her choice of words; her clear communication is always easy to understand, which is why it is so easy to accept without question - and yet always considered enough that further question is likely to clear up any misconceptions on my part. She has the wisdom to know what is the right thing to say and do; it is very easy to trust her judgment, for her intuition has proved itself worthy time and time again.
However, in the real world, while intelligence is desirable, she also has an abundance of a more important attribute: capability. She's not just an abstract thinker, she's excellent at doing things in smart ways - not just a few things, but seemingly everything she does. Furthermore, this capability manifests itself in many practical ways and couples with her hard-working nature to mean that she can be responsible for juggling a very busy schedule, with many competing demands on her time, and excel at all she tries. Intelligence is nice, especially for conversation, but it's the capability that gets you through life. I find it very difficult to imagine her failing at something she put her mind to; her mental strength means that such success won't be short-lived, but will last and last. You don't get 13 years of straight As by accident.
There's a lot of bravery required for an achievement like that, too. Things haven't been easy, but Meg isn't scared to try lots of different things over time. She has tremendous capacity for coping and caring. She is brave in trusting her emotions rather than her logic in deciding what she does, what she says and how she apportions her resources to make sure that she lives her live as joyfully as she can. There was also one particular personal battle that she overcame in spades while we were in London this weekend; it was a joy to see her succeed and to be able to hug her in triumph. It takes a very fine mind to be able to do what she does; her obvious sense of confidence is contagious. We've made each other nervous with things we've done and said, but it's a demonstration of confidence to show your true self, even when it's not quite what you would like it to be.
I also appreciate her assertiveness and recognise and applaud it for what it is. The class I took last week suggested that assertive behaviour permits you to get what you want without being mean and is a good way to earn respect. An absolute demonstration of the advantages on both counts. I love the way she knows exactly when the right times to be forceful are; in the occasions when everyone involved in a joint decision is ambivalent, she is able to take control, press forward and eliminate the uncertainty. This isn't done out of a lack of consideration in any way - it's just that there are times when decisions truly are required among the wavering. Call it "doesn't mess about", if you like.
These things are all done with a tremendous sense of good behaviour. I'm not sure whether these are moral or ethical issues, but she has incredible innate fairness and consideration, a desire to see that everyone is treated as kindly and as well as possible. She has seen me at some of my lower points and accepts me for who I am, which is something that I find hard to do to myself. It's very difficult to consider a situation where she would ever take advantage of someone else for her own benefit.
Perhaps the most remarkable thing about this tremendous list of complimentary adjectives is that Meg doesn't actually seem to try to exhibit any of them; the sheer effortlessness with which she is so naturally personable and charming is something I couldn't have imagined before meeting her. She makes having all these desirable properties look so natural that, flipping the thought patterns across, these desirable attributes must have been nurtured over time, rather than put on especially for me. I know that I'm not the only person she's so selfless towards, for she knows nothing but profound kindness.
She is also all of sexy, patient, imaginitive, open-minded, physically strong and capable of reducing me to a gibbering wreck with a vocabulary of about three words, but you don't get to know the examples for these ones. Related to this, there are secret little things she does which drive me wild. Nevertheless: very much so.
Finally, to the things that Meg has had no control over. I hestitate to use the phrase "while much of attraction is based on factors which aren't physical" for some might perceive it to have an implication that Meg isn't physically attractive, which is absolutely not the case. By the happiest of accidents, coupled with an admirable determination to look after herself, Meg is as much a joy to look at - and, in addition, to listen to - as she is to know. Her cutest facial asset is her pronounced philtrum; it's easy to be mesmerised by her nose, her upper lip and the incredibly cute half-inch between the two. I can stare at her for hours on end; Meg will attest that sometimes I do. Perhaps it's the fact that she has a wonderful smile; when you see photos of groups including Meg, her smile shines out time and again as the happiest of them all. (With apologies to all the nehp residents and friends who are attractive but who... well, just aren't Meg.)
Let me tell you about the times when she is at her most beautiful. She has a particular sort of look that melts my heart; when she catches me in the corner of her eye, her smile covers her lips, her eyes and the whole shape of her face. Frequently she will only hold this look for a fraction of a second, then shy away. I don't think this is deliberate or voluntary in any way; perhaps it's just shyness. It's far cuter and far more beautiful than anything you ever see a human face do anywhwere else, though, and it makes me smile and my heart melt every time.
There is another time when she is outstandingly attractive. She has another sort of look; she tilts her chin forward, arches her back and moves up towards me chin-first. It's a triple whammy: eyes, smile and an amazing profile formed by her cheeks and her chin when seen from just the right angle. Human faces just don't form shapes that are so incredibly pleasant to look at under normal conditions. Perhaps it's a look of pure desire...
So is this love? Oh, of course. How could it not be?
Spending time with Meg (ideally face to face to convince all of my senses most plentifully, but also through e-mail, AIM and on the phone) makes me feel more intense happiness and completeness than I've ever felt before. This isn't just love, it's all-consuming, romantic love. Meg has found some excellent quotes from songs and films which explain it better than I ever could; what were previously annoying, twee pieces of gush suddenly become gospel truth. Should this be an annoying, twee piece of gush to you, then I dearly hope you find someone special some day. Then - and only then - you'll realise how someone can mean every word.
I love you, Meg. Getting to know you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.