Teesside Snog Monster (jiggery_pokery) wrote,
Teesside Snog Monster

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Consequences of the consequences

A very light shave from my Friends list: farewell to two deleted journals and four people who deFriended me long ago. If you're reading this on a Friends page, your status hasn't changed.

The Poker Channel launched today; find it at channel 265 on Sky Digital in the UK, possibly to be distributed by cable as well at a later date. Teleshopping from 2pm to 5pm, poker and gambling from 5pm to 1am and (if I understand correctly) a live feed from their own branded online poker room overnight. From April 21st they'll be showing their own poker tournament, the British Poker Open, as-live, three nights a week. I saw no publicity about this at all today, but a lot of publicity about Poker 425 which is not the spoiler poker channel the ad made it out to be but a spoiler hour-long weekly poker show added to an established phone-in-and-gamble-at-lousy-odds gaming channel. (Edge TV, about all things gaming, is expected to launch 2005 Q2 in the US, with Casino and Gaming TV (CGTV) to launch in Canada in May 2005 and hopefully in the US later that year.)

No Sky Digital here, but I'm interested to see the latest about Freesat which offers you 120 free-to-air TV channels and 80 free-to-air radio channels by digital satellite for a one-time fee of £150 to cover the cost of the digital satellite dish and installation. Only 28 of those 120 TV channels are apparently devoted to shopping, but I would be surprised if a similar number weren't essentially predicated on premium-rate phone call applications. Still, at least their revenue stream is clear; I have no clue how the others survive, other than by having lots of (incredibly cheap) advertising and a full-time staff of about six people spread over a family of six channels. Of course there's always the possibility that Freesat won't forever remain free and/or that the few vaguely interesting channels thereon might not remain free-to-view; I thought I had read that Freesat came with a guarantee of two years' service for your £150, but the Freesat T&C seem to guarantee you a valid viewing card for five years for your money. Worth considering, then, if I watched much TV; as much as I like Jesse May's stylings, I like him less than £150.

Talking of spending money, there's a round of Spend rialtus' Money going on as he and his wife pledge to match every dollar spent sponsoring their participation in the (U.S.) National MS Society's annual MS Walk in Redlands. It's a good cause; Potter fans of America, remember that one J. K. Rowling is patron of the MS Society in Scotland, so if you want to support one of her favourite causes a little closer to home, then do so via Carl and Jen.

I think further prolonging the Consequences game would be inconsequential, ha ha, so here are the stories produced. Many thanks to the 25 participants. I have not tried to pick entries which go together; you should be able to find your answer fragments lining up diagonally down-and-across the page next to each other, or at least, wrapping around from bottom to top. My three favourites are at the start, but I would welcome your comments - and, indeed, your deliberate remixes.

John Lennon met Eva Braun on the battlefield at Stalingrad. He said to her, "We come from two totally different worlds. Let's make out." She said to him, "Duck!!" The world said, "Oh, just get it over with already!" The consequence was they got married and had lots of sex and babies and the moral of the story is "Be careful what you wish for."

Michael Jackson met Anne Widdecombe at the top of the Eiffel Tower. He said to her, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." She said to him, "My, what big ears you have." The world said, "Don't you know the meaning of propriety?" The consequence was they ended up married and the moral of the story is that tedium comes to those who wait.

Captain Hook met Ruslana at Scarborough Fair. He said to her, "Fancy a ride?" She said to him, "What would your mother say?" The world said, "Loser!" The consequence was that the excellent new album by the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain became a surprise chart-topper and the moral of the story is "Don't put all your eggs in one omelette."

Viktor Yushchenko met Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon VI, at the Horse of the Year show. He said to her, "I am le tired." She said to him, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were a chair." The world said, "If symptoms persist for more than three days, contact your doctor." The consequence was nobody ever needed to buy socks ever again and the moral of the story is "Don't take wooden nickels."

Jeremy Beadle met Camilla at The Evil Villain's Secret Underground Lair. He said to her, "Aren't you Britney Spears?" She said to him, "That's 'oink' in the existential sense, of course." The world said, "Save the badgers". The consequence was terribly, terribly tragic - in fact, I don't like to talk about it - and the moral of the story is "An unbuttoned shirt, without a tie, gathers no moss."

Prince Charlie met Buffy the Vampire Slayer at a restaurant lobby. He said to her, "I can't believe it's not butter." She said to him, "I couldn't eat a whole one." The world said, "About binomial theorem they're teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse." The consequence was a small earthquake took place near Peru and the moral of the story is what goes around, comes around. And vice versa.

James Bond met Christina Aguilera by the card indexing files in the main hall at Romford Library. He said to her, "It's bigger than you might expect." She said to him, "I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral..." The world said, "Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Ew. Eeeeeeeeew." The consequence was kittens and the moral of the story is "oops".

Bob met Tallulah at Pizza Express. He said to her, "I am the very model of a modern Major General". She said to him, "Come here and I'll show you." The world said, "Well, it's better than listening to The Archers." The consequence was nuclear annihilation and the moral of the story is "Never walk into a bar while holding a piano".

Damien Hurst met Trisha in deepest, darkest Milton Keynes. He said to her, "Is that a new dress you're wearing? I do like the way it falls off your curves." She said to him, "Have you got change for a fiver?" The world said, "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz". The consequence was that wedding bells rang eight months later and the moral of the story is "the fuzzier the kitten, the sharper the claws".

Michael Howard met Betty Boop at Michael Jackson's private yacht. He said to her, "Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?" She said to him, "I'm Singin' In the Rain". The world said "heh." The consequence was that the trains never did run on time and the moral of the story is a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and twice on Sundays.

Popeye met Elizabeth Taylor at Blackpool Pier. He said to her, "Jesus Wept." She said to him, "Hey!" The world said, "Only in America." The consequence was that the Kleenex was discarded and the moral of the story is "Don't offer a stranger any fruits or vegetables; they're unlikely to appreciate it."

Prince Harry met Lucrezia Borgia on Uranus. He said to her, "Yo!" She said to him, "I had one of those once, but the wheels fell off." The world said, "Hello." The consequence was she got a slap and the moral of the story is "Cuddles and Paws = purring hiss bliss".

David Blunkett met Alberta at Hilltop College. He said to her, "Have some madeira, m'dear?" She said to him, "I've got the ugliest pussy on the island", pointing to her cat Kit Kat. The world said, "Crazy woman attacking shoppers in the city centre!" The consequence was Convention of Two and the moral of the story is "Do not fill in LJ polls at 3am when you're squiffy and have been awake for 20 hours and have just been IN an opera".

Edwin met Lori at an AOL chatroom. He said to her, "Care for a lemony Snicker?" She said to him, "Would you like to hold my banana?" The world said, "diggedy bliss" The consequence was they all fell down. and the moral of the story is "Nice girls finish last".

Terrence met Emily Brontë at the San Diego Zoo. He said to her, "Do you have the number for a good taxi company?" She said to him, "Purr - hiss - cuddle - paw". The world said, "As if!" The consequence was a bouncing baby boy and the moral of the story is "Don't play with your tofu weiner at the dinner table".

Jeffrey Archer met Alberta on the doorstep of a rather classy lingerie shop. He said to her, "Nice tail!" She said to him, "You can appraise me any time, baby". The world said, "Get a room!" The consequence was Jacques and Mary watched T.V. all night long and the moral of the story is "Be specific."

Henry met Betty Boop at the Galley and Grog. He said to her, "You've pulled". She said to him, "That's my nose!" The world said, "Where is the remote control? When crocodiles attack Steve Irwin is on Channel 8". The consequence was divorce and the moral of the story is "Don't be afraid to talk to someone you really like."

Frodo met Furry Paw-Paw in Point 101. He said to her, "I am the very model of a modern Major General." She said to him, "Oh, Jacques, you are such a romantic. Come to my hotel room with me." The world said, "Who's that pretty thing in Richard's bike basket?" The consequence was that they slept together and the moral of the story is "Don't believe everything you are told, or even everything you see for yourself."

Sophie met Madonna at Bloomingdale's. She said to her, "The colour of these tofu sausages remind me of your eyes." She said to her, "I'll be damned if I'll be crammed on a bicycle built for two." The world said, "Wow, she's hot!" The consequence was three children born in three countries and the moral of the story is "They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

Saint Augustine met Scarlett O'Hara at an Italian restaurant in Paris. He said to her, "I'm half crazy, all for the love of you!" She said to him, "Yes, you are." The world said, "You two are going out? How come?" The consequence was that the train was on time and the moral of the story is "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt met Mary at the bike shop. He said to her, "I'm not worthy". She said to him, "Life has its ups and downs." The world said, "What on earth is going on?" The consequence was that the inflation rate rose 0.5% and the moral of the story is "Do not rely on specific elasticity in a moment of crisis."

Jacques the magic dragon met Daisy at Genghis Cohen. He said to her, "I could write letters to you." She said to him, "Love is everything it's cracked up to be; it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for..." The world said, "Blimey, a Today story that didn't make me shout at the radio". The consequence was Vaseline derivatives went up 7% at close of trading on Thursday and the moral of the story is "Wherever you go, whatever you do... look around you."

Richard met Amy Jo Johnson at Angela's party. He said to her, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." She said to him, "What's love got to do with it?" The world said, "Why dignify that with 15 minutes of fame ?" The consequence was a small earthquake in Chile, with not many dead, and the moral of the story is "All's fair in love and Scrabble"

Joe Van Ginkel met Viv on a GNER train. He said to her, "do you really want to hurt me?" She said to him, "I like PowerPoint for my agenda, how about you?" The world said, "Breathe in folks, I'm trying to get past." The consequence was that spankings were administered and the moral of the story is "Chrome doesn't pay."

Ian met Erica Jong underneath the arches. He said to her, "Crikey, is that the time?!" She said to him, "I wish I could, but my credit card's maxed out." The world said, "Nul points!" The consequence was his mum missed the wedding and the moral of the story is "Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it."

I do like playing games on LiveJournal, though it's nothing new; brigbother runs a fair ol' number of them, and they've been seen at daweaver, quidditchmaster, radinden, amnewsboy and many others. (Mostly men; the ladies tend to prefer to set up RPG communities and sink hundreds of hours into their gaming that way. 'Tis all good, 'tis all gaming.) There has to be a game which uses LJ's advantages to permit play in a way that no other medium has permitted before, but I don't know what it is. In the interim, I wonder if there are Railway Rivals veterans who'd like to play-by-LJ?
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