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A late trip down the rabbit hole - Many a mickle maks a muckle

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April 1st, 2006

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03:30 am - A late trip down the rabbit hole
A quick reminder: today is April 1st, so please take anything posted to LiveJournal that appears unduly unusual or upsetting with an unusually large pinch of salt. If you're thinking of posting some foolishness, please make it stylish, original and clever or just don't bother and save us all the irritation. Thank you.

No confidence tricks from me this year, but I meant to post something like this on Rabbit Hole Day, but never got around to it at the time; today's as good a day as any to say this and far better than most.

Electors of England, I am proud to stand in front of 10 Downing Street and thank you all for the glorious victory that you gave to the Freedom Party. We campaigned long and hard that all the options offered by the established political system in the country was not working; you listened and you agreed. We shall repay your trust and confidence by being more genuinely liberal than the Liberal Democrats ever could, with financial policies that build upon the foundations laid by our illustrious predecessors in the 1980s. We even applaud the efforts by the Labour party to offer choice in public services; those who appreciated choice will even more enjoy what we offer with our freedom.

Freedom is in our name and most avowedly in our nature. We pledge that from day one of this government we will offer far more freedom than ever before.

We commit to giving every citizen the freedom to enjoy whatever sort of chemical they desire; the war on drugs is over, and we have all won. We commit to giving every citizen the freedom from paying for rehabilitation and treatment programs for other people; we trust that you will not spend the £500 tax cut from this one measure alone on such experimentation, or that you are prepared to take bodily and financial responsibility for your own decision if you do.

We commit to giving every motorist freedom to drive or ride at whatever speed they like; we commit to giving every pedestrian and every cyclist the freedom of the roads to the same extent and the law courts shall, as ever, arbitrate between these two freedoms where they are in conflict.

We commit to giving every child freedom from tests and examinations that do nothing to educate them; we commit to giving every parent the freedom to educate their child however they choose, or even not at all.

We commit to giving you complete freedom of speech and freedom from political correctness. This goes hand in hand with the freedom to respond to whatever you disagree with in the manner of your choice, the freedom to choose word or action as you see fit.

We commit to giving every business the freedom to operate exactly as they wish and we know that competition and the world's most free markets will reward those who demonstrate excellence in their practice. We offer the world's businesses the ideal location, with freedom from tired, irrelevant, antiprogressive legislation in the fields of human rights, minimum wages or health and safety. We offer corporations the freedom to operate, maximise and excel today, with freedom from so-called environmental concerns which shall concern only those many generations after we have all gone.

We commit to freedom from every drag on our economy we can find, and we intend to begin this by offering citizens the freedom to contribute as much or as little as they like to the arts, to pensions and to international development. We offer the electors of England the freedom from the interfering Welsh, Scottish and Northern Irish whose meddling has only dragged us down and held us back for centuries. We know that each country will benefit from this separation, and we know that our freedoms will see us excel in comparison to them. We offer every region of our land similar freedom should they want it.

We commit to the freedom to protect your own property however you see fit, within what I'm sure you will consider extremely reasonable guidelines. We commit to offer you freedom from assault, or the fear of assault, by offering you the freedom to bear arms.

Lastly, we commit to one glorious freedom which has been sadly lacking from society for centuries; we offer each of you the opportunity of freedom from debt by selling yourself into service, and we offer the freedom to keep, nay, own personal servants and treat them as you see fit.

I offer you all a free toast; we shall drink to the bright, bright future of the Free Republic of England!
Current Location: bed, typing on the laptop
Current Mood: grumpygrouchy, as shown in para 1
Current Music: raindrops falling on the window

(7 comments | Leave a comment)


Date:April 2nd, 2006 10:08 am (UTC)
May I express curiosity as to whether anything specific caused the Para 1/mood icon combo?
[User Picture]
Date:April 2nd, 2006 10:54 am (UTC)
I failed another mock driving test and so was in a grumpy mood all day.

Better now.
[User Picture]
Date:April 3rd, 2006 08:27 am (UTC)
Excellent, I like this piece of writing a lot!
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Date:April 9th, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC)
I was hoping that some of the more extremist™ libertarians on my Friends list would bite, or at least make some sort of "Obviously we wouldn't want to go that far, but that sounds a lot better than Nicky's bloody ID cards" mutterings. I shall avoid April 1st for such political trolling next year :-)
[User Picture]
Date:April 10th, 2006 07:37 am (UTC)
I'm sure a few people at least will have been sucked in, but maybe too ashamed to admit it ;-)

I hadn't seen Nicky's thing before, thanks for linking to it. "Later, if Parliament in 2010 decided to issue the cards to everyone, the data would be on file and we could just print the extra cards for people who'd not taken them already." Mm, how very convenient!
[User Picture]
Date:April 3rd, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)
Nicely graded satire. Knowing your views as expressed on LJ, I didn't find the progression entirely unexpected, but it still made me grin.

I will steal the line "the war on drugs is over, and we have all won" without irony, but merely ask when you will be available to be our benevolent dictator? (-:
[User Picture]
Date:April 9th, 2006 11:20 pm (UTC)
When the nation can afford me and not one moment before.

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