Teesside Snog Monster (jiggery_pokery) wrote,
Teesside Snog Monster

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Sports Entertainment Sensation!

After a weekend in which Formula One Constructors Association President™ Bernie Ecclestone declared that Formula One™ has "to shape up, we have not got a very good act at the moment" and the United States Grand Prix™ had a controversial finish, we hear sensational rumours of a commercial deal being signed with Vince McMahon Jr., chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc™. McMahon is still reportedly fuming over losing rights to the WWF brand to the World Wildlife Fund™. Co-promotion between the two enterprises is being considered which would see the resulting formation of WWF1™.

One consequence of the move is that if any more contrived finishes like today's failed dead-heat happen in the future, Commissioner Ecclestone™ will interrupt the traditional champagne-laden presentation to "smack five-time champion 'Stone Cold' Michael Schumacher™ upside the head with a steel chair™". Other mooted changes include the replacement of the pit lane with a steel cage, that weasel-faced Ferrari chief engineer Ross Brawn has been permitted to sneak into the McLaren garage in order to interfere with their cars and the legalisation of use of the chequered flag as a weapon. Future episodes of WWF1 are rumoured to see Sir Frankensteiner Williams™ controversially rise from the wheelchair to which he has been confined for many years in order to, inevitably, "smack five-time champion 'Stone Cold' Michael Schumacher™ upside the head with a steel chair™" - though he will be foiled by "The Overtaker" Ayrton Senna™ who has "risen from the grave"™ for the occasion.

The Austrian Grand Prix has been replaced by "WWF1 Round Your Track: SuzukaSlam"™ featuring a "ladder match" in which racers brawl in the Parc Fermée trying to retrieve their steering wheels from fifty feet above the racetrack before starting their engines. "Ravishing" Rubens Barrichello™ will insist on insisting that "all you fat, out-of-shape gearhead greasebags" pay attention to his mild strip act before each race and aging playboy "Denture Boy" Eddie Irvine™ will insist that he had Louise Goodman and all the other ladies on the circuit before David Coulthard ever did. Jacques Villeneuve™ will adopt the persona of an increasingly irrelevant has-been Canadian whose only contribution to the circuit is a bewildering variety of hairstyles. (Oh, sorry, that was last year's storyline.) The return of "Hulk" Hakkinen™ from retirement has been mooted for a future MonacoMania™. Two-time champ Hakkinen is expected to say "What'cha gonna, er, do when the fastest pair of, er, pedals in the world gets his, er, feet on you. Tonight, er, 'Stone Cold' Michael Schumacher™, I'm gonna smack you, er, upside the head with a, er, steel chair™."

Shares in WWE, Inc. were unchanged at press time. Shares in manufacturers of steel chairs rose by an average of 7% in response to the news.

WWE, Inc. is a trade mark of WWE, Inc. Formula One is a trade mark of the Formula One Constructors Association. Many other trademarks used without permission. ™ is a trade mark of TM™, Inc. Please don't sue me, I'm poor. (Hang on, isn't that last sentence a trademark of lambertman™?)

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