November 23rd, 2003


Maybe I've realised something

<Update:> In a slightly better mood now. Sometimes a lot of sleep, some good food and an inspiring thought or two help a lot. </Update>

Rather a sleepless, unhappy night tonight, but one likely to be good for me if I can learn from it.

I can think of three people on LJ who have effectively kicked my ass (semi-)recently. I don't think any of them intended any meanness, they have all been extremely polite about it, I can see all three points and, on one level, do thank them for applying the boot. They have made me see that I am rather afraid of doing anything effective to change my situation because I am scared of the negative feedback that might arise as a result, in many different forms.

This ass-kicking is difficult to come to terms with and is resulting in said sleepless night, but I suspect it is good for me. The key is whether I will take the lessons from said ass-kickings and do anything about it in the morning or rather ineffectively just spend lots of sleepless, rough nights worrying about it, which would not help me or anyone else. One weird post to help me get to sleep is more or less OK, but it's not a good habit to get into, and I already had my self-described self-indulgent post for the (time period) not so long ago.

I suspect it is rather less LJ-angsty-whingy-drama to leave comments allowed than disallowed, and I don't want to paint the three ass-kickers I have in mind as being at all bad in their ass-kicking, despite my choice of language by which ass-kicking is generally regarded as a bad thing. (For the record, I can think of one ass I have kicked myself in a similar way.)

I'm rather feeling like it wouldn't do me good to see indulgent "hugs, hope you're OK, that's the spirit" and so on, no matter how kind the intentions, and that it would probably do me more good to get a bit more, well, ass-kicking. After all, making this post might represent a realisation, but it doesn't represent a material change for the better yet. Kickers, keep kicking, if I can prove I'm still worth your attention.

What a weird post. In another matter, happy birthday for yesterday to whipartist.