July 25th, 2003
|02:59 pm - Blowing off steam|
Millions of thoughts running through my head right now, mostly very confused and very negative. It's a horrible thing to do to accuse people of being dishonest, but right now I'm explicitly looking for bluntness rather than tact; it's the only way for things to improve in the long run. Please consider this a giant "things are OK between us, aren't they?" on the understanding that I'm looking for resolution, I'm looking to know what things aren't OK between us, I'm looking to make amends, I'm looking to know what I need to make amends for and so on. (Not just Nimbus folk - this applies to the world at large.) Anonymous posts welcome, IP addresses not logged, e-mail replies also very welcome. Please take your best shot. I proactively welcome those who say the hard things as being of more use to me and my personal development than those who say the things that they think I want to hear. It's the people to whom I'm closest and whose opinions of me I most care about that I most want to hear from. I do recognise I'm asking something difficult from you here, too.
In a related context, please consider looking at this thread in telepwen's journal (hmm - you probably need to see the original post first for context). Yes, telepwen is who you think she is. She's only human and we've all behaved disgracefully in having our bit of fun at her expense, not least me. It's to our shame that it took ari_o to point this out to us all. Let's try to close this part of the discussion about her right here.
Now there are very important issues considering good behaviour; much as it's important for people to take other folks' excuses and extenuating factors into account, it's important for those other folks to realise that excuses and extenuating factors can only go so far - there are many people and circumstances where there is excellent, pragmatic reason for "so far" to be "not even slightly far at all" - and there comes a point at which you must take responsibility for your own actions. It's difficult. It's bloody difficult. It's life and it's human nature, though.
As you can see, I'm going through some really pretty rotten, negative thoughts right now. While I appreciate all your kind words on my last post, there's a sense in which they don't really help - they don't really enable me to get to grips with my behaviour/comfort/confidence/relaxation issues, which are really important to me. There were long stretches of Nimbus where I wasn't enjoying myself (do not blame yourselves - as discussed, my choice, my fault, I could've done things about it...) just like there were long stretches of the t00bage events where I wasn't enjoying myself. Lots of difficulty fitting in, lots of difficulty accepting that there will be these hard times among the good ones. I'm also having severe thoughts along the lines of "You know, maybe Nimbus wasn't as good overall as we all said it was... perhaps we're all just kidding ourselves". To be fair, it's probably just that, as I said yesterday, I'm feeling bad about things in general for the reasons I discussed - not least because Nimbus is over now - and this bad feeling is inspiring all the negative thoughts. I'm sure these negative thoughts are over-reactions, but I'm also sure that there isn't nothing to them.
Much more cheerfully, last night's dreams.
For some reason, I was on a panel playing Mornington Crescent at Nimbus. (No explanation here.) Then, half-way through, the rules of the game changed - or, being fair, the rules that we played by were completely as sensible as any - and we completely improvised a "The Sword in the Stone" parody; the winner of the game will be the person who can pull this particular toothbrush from the cup. Now there was actually nothing stopping the toothbrush from being removed from the cup, but we managed to invent several ways by which people tried to remove the toothbrush from the cup and failed. Most dramatically, we even got a random non-con-goer to come and help by pulling someone's arm for extra strength, but the person whose arm was pulled pushed in the opposite direction (while appearing to pull) and so the toothbrush remained in the cup. Then we let leiabelle come and remove the toothbrush from the cup completely without hindrance, so she won. It was cool.
Other parts of dreams: watching Tyne Tees, the local station on the ITV network, they put on a little five-minute short between regular shows with lots of presentation graphics from throughout the ITV regions, pictures of the local presenters and so forth - just really weird filler. Then there was a show called "Double Quick" or "Super Quick" which turned out to be exactly the same as the old "Cross Wits" crossword game show, even to the extent of using the same theme tune (which I picked up on in the first four or five notes!) except that there were some numerical clues in the crossword to be solved as well as verbal ones. I remember thinking at the time that the two didn't mesh at all comfortably.
Lastly, the action changed to the scene of one of the Grands Prix - except that, as well as Grand Prix cars going round the track, the drivers could get out of the cars while in the pits and go round on motorbikes, pedal bicycles or even feet. (The cars were not noticeably faster than any other part of the dream.) I can remember reading that someone walked on the track during the British GP while I was away, so perhaps that's what inspired it. Eventually I ended up going around the track myself by a number of different means of transport; I think I was with one of the little teams and our pit crew consisted of one person. Eventually I was walking on the track with British GP commentator Martin Brundle coming up behind me and talking to me. The only part of the conversation I remember was that I said words to the effect of "I thought that the race had finished a few laps ago; if I had known it was still in progress, I'd be making sure I was in the car and trying to win rather than using lots of different forms of transport just for fun".
I'm sure there's meant to be some message in that last one...
Current Mood: not sure, but it's MAD AS HELL
Current Music: silence
You are way too hard on yourself. You think too much and sometimes you try too much.
You remind me of me when you recount social situations.
Based on all the pictures I've seen, you tend to always dress as though you're about to go on safari.
As well as I know you, that's about all I can come up with. Sorry there isn't more practical or definitive stuff as I know you would take constructive criticism constructively.
is already a princess, is it really fair that she pulled the toothbrush?
you tend to always dress as though you're about to go on safari
Hee - I think I've worn shorts on three or four occasions all summer, and all but one of them have been at t00bages... :-)
Serious point: I have problems with not knowing or understanding what the social expectations are regarding clothes and cleanliness - how often you are expected to change clothes in order to look like you're wearing something that's obviously new, fresh and clean. Accordingly, when I want to wear a variety of different outfits, one of them tends to involve shorts - despite the fact that I have little Ernie Wise (hairy, unattractive) legs.
How does anyone ever get themselves to think less? Other than through drink, I suppose.
|Date:||July 25th, 2003 08:46 am (UTC)|| |
I appreciate all your kind words on my last post, there's a sense in which they don't really help
I'm not going to pour on you. "I wish it could've been better" and "I'm sorry you didn't have a good time." I kinda knew that. In fact, alot of us (the roomies) talked about how much you'd been working during Nimbus and how hard you tried to make the whole affair more enjoyable for all of us. Which was the case, you made the whole experience much better. If you don't believe that, ask the others. Just ask them, Chris.
There were long stretches of Nimbus where I wasn't enjoying myself
I believe it was because of that sacrifice you made to help with Nimbus that is responsible for part of your negative feelings toward the whole affair. All the bonding and social interaction was so important to me, and it made all the difference from this trip being worth it. I also wouldn't doubt if this was the same for everyone else who attended.
I'm also having severe thoughts along the lines of "You know, maybe Nimbus wasn't as good overall as we all said it was... perhaps we're all just kidding ourselves."
And to be perfectly honest, I had the best time. Not because of all the events and panels (even though they were phenomenal), it was because of the company I had while at the Swan and Dolphin. And alot of the people setting up the event had some
You know now that when I come over in June 2004, we promise to make it more fun for you. Even if we have to beat you with a happy stick, you will be happy. ;)
On the realm of said individual, I've stayed away from making any comment. What I've learned from this whole Nimbus experience that everyone behind the computer is a person. And they have the same feelings, even when jokes are made in the name of fun. So, yea. I understood where Ari was coming from, because while at Nimbus, I saw how bad we were getting whenever comments were made about said person. But, we're only human. We can't be perfect and understanding all the time. We're allowed to make mistakes and bad judgment calls. In the end, we'll be forgiven. If not by the aggrieved, but by our friends, and eventually ourself.
So, yea. *Hugs*
Even if we have to beat you with a happy stick, you will be happy. ;)
Haha, yeah dude. Right on.
*brandishes happy stick in Chris's direction*
Perhaps one Nimbus every couple of years with t00bages more frequently in between sounds about right as a compromise...?
Erp. Ignore my pointing that thing out to you. *hides*
I'm explicitly looking for bluntness rather than tact; it's the only way for things to improve in the long run. Please consider this a giant "things are OK between us, aren't they?" on the understanding that I'm looking for resolution, I'm looking to know what things aren't OK between us, I'm looking to make amends, I'm looking to know what I need to make amends for and so on.
Only people who are committed to being the best person they can possibly be, ever question themselves, their actions or their attitudes. I think this says a lot about you.
Only people who are committed to being the best person they can possibly be, ever question themselves, their actions or their attitudes.
Mmmmmmm. People say that fairly frequently. It's flattering, but I'm not completely convinced by it; in some ways, it would be more useful to be alongside someone who wasn't necessarily questioning their attitude but seemed to be able to naturally get along well enough without having to think about it. Certainly that's a state I'd like to try to move to at some point, particularly as there seem to be so many people who have reached that point already anyhow. :-)
All part of growing up, I suppose, but I seem to be taking an awfully long time to grow up - and not in a good way.
A moral: Last week I went to a dating event in London. 1500 people in a 50:50 split. I didn't have any friends to go with, so upon entering the bar there were hundreds of people milling about and I didn't know one of them. For the first 30-45 minutes, I didn't have a good "in" to talk to anyone there. I was quite possibly one of the fattest blokes there, although I dressed fairly smartly which took the curse of it somewhat. I felt awkward, hot, sweaty and a little bored.
As some of the planned events of the evening started to kick off, things improved. One of the organisers took me aside and introduced me to one of the women there. She was an extremely pretty lawyer/PR professional, and we got along well. However, as is the nature of these things, we split up to find other people to talk to after a while. At the end of the evening, despite all the other men she'd spoken to that night, she said she'd enjoyed talking to me most. Me? Surely some mistake? Surely she could have found a better looking, smarter and richer bloke than me out of the 750 there. Anyway, she gave me a hotmail account to contact her.
Come the next day, the hotmail account bounced. Somewhat devasted, I tried contacting her through the event website. But come Wednesday, there was still no response. It looked like the trail had gone cold.
But then... an email came back. Would we like to meet for lunch? You betcha. Now maybe things won't work out and we'll never see each other ever again, but that's not the point. The purpose behind the story is to show what happens if you aim to stick your neck out. It took quite a lot of guts to go to somewhere quite large on my own and talk to complete strangers and get a date with one of them.
One of the events that happened during the dating event was a confidence coach (from C4's Perfect Match, as it happened). His first and most important point was that if you go on thinking that you're generally not good enough (too fat, too old, not clever enough, don't earn enough money etc. etc) then that's probably the same vibes that people will pick up from you. And people generally don't like that. They like winners, achievers, studs, the rich... whatever.
If you go through life worrying what everyone thinks of you, it will already have passed you by. Of course, hotheaded people can go too far with this (as Miss "Kiss My Ass" proves). However, if it stops you doing even basic every day things - like going to a Chinese restaurant, I seem to remember - then it's probably being a bit too meek.
Think about who's stopping you from achieving things you want. Is it you? Is it your parents? Is it your friends? Is it people generally? In actual fact, no-ones stopping you from doing anything that's not illegal, immoral etc.
I don't intend to preach on this topic, but since you ask I think you have two choices: you can either live inside your comfort zone and not trouble anyone. Or you can start getting what you want, even if that's going to be uncomfortable sometimes.
By going to the dating event, I've had a small success and hopefully this'll build into larger successes in the future. I hope you'll consider doing the same too in whatever areas you're look to develop.
A word of background: mrstrellis
is kind of a joke account - after all, it lists guessable passwords as an interest and if you know the source at all then you really can do so. However, I use it (among other things) to let people who are my friends but who don't have LiveJournals read and post to at least some of my Friends-only postings.
The guy who posted here and who is by far the most frequent poster from mrstrellis
is one of my closest friends since university; I've known him for about eight or nine years now. We talk quite a lot - sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, sometimes monthly - and when we get talking on the phone, we can talk
; an hour at a stretch very easily, three hours a few times a year. He's always been extremely kind to me with his resources, letting me use his place when I go down to London and so on. He's even generated a lot of paying work for me over the years - and I've generated a number of leads and a few bits of paying work for him in return. (Though they haven't always worked out, ahem...)
The best thing about my relationship with mrstrellis
is that we don't always agree, but I feel happy and confident to disagree with him. Now a couple of months back we had what probably has been the biggest disagreement we've ever had since we've known each other, and we ended up not chatting to each other for three or four weeks. Not in a "deliberately avoiding each other" way, just the way it's turned out. We have since talked and all has been as cool as ever.
I like mrstrellis
in part for his go-getting, commercial attitude. He's one of the very best at what he does and it's bringing him a lot of success and a lot of very cool experiences in what I consider a field that fascinates me - though one where I wouldn't like to follow in his footsteps any more than I already do. It's a thrill to know him and to follow the exciting things he's been doing. He's a brave, caring guy, very
smart, extremely talented at what he does and very fun indeed.
So he really knows me well and I'm glad that he has - that you have! - taken me literally at my request and been blunt rather than tactful in your reply.
Poo, too long. Let's split this here and make this the background post with the actual content in the second part.
|Date:||July 25th, 2003 10:32 am (UTC)|| |
I'm a friend of athena_arena from uni *waves* I'm a 'quiet' fandommer, I don't get involved much except to read & review fics and post on Portkey (rabid H/H fangirl here :) ). Anyway, I've been reading your LJ and you seem like a really lovely bloke who's trying to do the best by everyone. So, um, don't beat yourself up over it all; I empathise so much with you. Just thought you needed huggling, that's all.
Take care of yourself. Rach.
The fact that you don't have a prior connection to me means that your opinion is valuable in a different way to the others - it gives me a sense in which it's easier for me to believe you're unbiased and thank you for your comments.
Would you like a LJ code? :-)
...there comes a point at which you must take responsibility for your own actions. It's difficult. It's bloody difficult.
Yes, but the fact that you realised that gives you an edge over the rest of the swarming masses.
There were long stretches of Nimbus where I wasn't enjoying myself (do not blame yourselves - as discussed, my choice, my fault, I could've done things about it...) just like there were long stretches of the t00bage events where I wasn't enjoying myself.
I had some moments of this myself. *gaspshock* I know it wasn't evident to most, since if it is something I am adept at, it's hiding feelings when I want to. And I find it very admirable that you can acknowledge this and it's part of the rollercoaster cycle of feelings during the whole event.
I know it wasn't evident to most, since if it is something I am adept at, it's hiding feelings when I want to.
I was particularly impressed that you did so well at such a non-stop job, where you were on call to do your job all the time - I had specific events to focus on and eventually they were over.
There were some low moments, I know, such as the disappearance of your program; I'm thrilled that you got it back. Having had a quick opportunity to look through it, it was probably the single coolest program at the whole event.
I really appreciated all your kind gestures and just the way you were confident enough to be cuddly and touchy-feely. It wasn't inappropriate, it was friendly and really pleasant.
It does seem odd and contradictory that some of the people who are best-qualified to do things at a future Nimbus are also the people who would most benefit by not having to do them! :-)
There definitely does come a point though where other people's kindness is not enough; it's down to you yourself to make yourself happy (or at least not make yourself unhappy). This is the part that I have difficulty with. Maybe it's the case for you too.
|Date:||July 25th, 2003 12:39 pm (UTC)|| |
Uh, you seem to be becoming more upset the further you
are from the events that distressed you. It's supposed
to get better with time....Self-examintion is fine,
but not to the exclusion of other parts of your life.
Perhaps a few days away from reliving every moment of
the weekend may give you a better perspective. Then
come back and read what others are saying about your
efforts, their enjoyment of the event due to your
work, and see if you can get perspective on what you
REALLY accomplished???? I certainly didn't work nearly
(not even close) as hard as you, but I didn't see any
sessions (except the first 1/2 hour of the Snape
lecture), only attended two events (rainy Founder's
Feast and the movies), and I had a great time. The
people were great to work with. They made it worth it.
Somehow....misery loves company...the mutual struggle
was stimulating and a hell of alot of fun........ Take
some time and then ask for constructive criticism. I'm
sure you'll get plenty of takers. :-)
All true. Thanks, Mike.
You've got mail! (...with a LJ code!)
Hm. Okay. I admit, I'm entirely confused. I think people are taking things that happened at Nimbus way out of context. Or taking them too seriously. I honestly don't see why there is so much angst and worry right now, so you might want to just ignore me.
Of course, I do that also with online wank wars. I scratch my head, try to fathom why people are so upset and then end up just shrugging and moving on.
Chris, I might not understand why you are so upset but I can understand the symptoms of being upset. It's so hard to listen to anything when one feels lousy about their behavior, thoughts, deeds, etc. All I can say is that I feel your pain; I'm horrifically embarrassed about some things I did at Nimbus (I acted like an ass at the Copa Banana). We just have to...go...on.
I don't know what else to say. Except that maybe I understand a little and I STILL LIKE YOU. You've EARNED my loyalty. And once a Hufflepuff gives their loyalty, it's for keeps. At least, it's that way for this Hufflepuff.
|Date:||July 25th, 2003 02:48 pm (UTC)|| |
I acted like an ass at the Copa Banana.
And I missed it? *grin* From the deejay booth, I really couldn't see much, but from what I could see, everyone was having a ball. I got the full report of *everyone's* behavior afterwards and heard nothing bad.
OK...in my Nimbus/socially deprived state, I'm not quite sure of the situation here, but you should never ever have to feel bad about telling the truth. Introspection/illumination is something rarely practised in the world today and is never something to be ashamed of. If you know you're right, be confident and say what you think. This really isn't a good way to win friends, but if people can never admit when they're wrong, can never change their ways/opinions, and can never accept criticism objectively, then they're really not worth your efforts.
:-) Thanks, Tavi. I admire your idealism.
I hate the fact that that last sentence has got a great cynical invisible "but idealism isn't pragmatism and the real world doesn't work like that" hanging there at the end. Idealism is a good thing in and as of itself. I admire it in you.
Thank you for brining this up.
I don't think my opinion's of huge value, but here's my three cents.
You seem like you're still trying to find your place in the world, like you seem at odds with it at times. Though I don't know if it's because you still don't know who you are yet or because you do know who you are but don't know where you fit.
"You know, maybe Nimbus wasn't as good overall as we all said it was... perhaps we're all just kidding ourselves
Nimbus rocked, and you played a part in making it so cool. You dedicated a large effort to it, and it made it all the better, thank you for your hard work.
I think you're an absolute doll. I really do.
You seem like you're still trying to find your place in the world, like you seem at odds with it at times. Though I don't know if it's because you still don't know who you are yet or because you do know who you are but don't know where you fit.
Three cents extremely well spent, a return worth many times the initial investment. It's more the former of the two, as far as I can tell.
You're absolutely correct, extremely insightful and the situation has been exactly like this for years. I haven't had much success with being able to tell who I am and what I want even though I've been looking for years. I recognise with increasing urgency that unless I do something different many more years could pass while I'm still looking, to a point in time where I may not so easily be able to find what I do decide upon, if ever I do decide upon something. It's a worry. An impractical, abstracted-beyond-practicality worry, but an actual worry all the same.
I don't know how to find out for sure who I am and what I want and I'm not even sure how to look effectively. Now I also don't think I'm alone in this (spots usual suspects in this thread) but it doesn't help. Maybe there's something radically different we could - or should? - all be trying?
I'm not even sure whether this is something a therapist could help with. Maybe there's a spirtual aspect to this and a spiritual leader would help; probably a secular one would be most appropriate in my case because I do not find it possible to have faith in religious teachings, which makes things harder.
This is The Big One, isn't it?
|Date:||July 25th, 2003 07:32 pm (UTC)|| |
*offers olive branch*
|(Link)|Then we let leiabelle come and remove the toothbrush from the cup completely without hindrance, so she won. It was cool.
w00t, go me. :D
And I just wanted to say that I still think you're a spiffing person. Not to rehash old events, but... I know I rather jumped down your throat (after, um, taking off your head) post-Punt!t00bage. Though I didn't agree with what you said (or the way I felt you misrepresented it later in your post by using a different word), there's no excuse for the way I responded to your private post to me. I had no right to use you as a sounding board (not to say "dartboard") for my irritation with similar remarks from others. Though one can be more honest/blunt with one's friends than with people one merely lives with, one does not
have the right to rip them a new *ahem* when they try to apologise. I'm sorry we never really got to discuss it later, and so it never exactly got resolved. I still consider you a dear friend and wish I'd gotten to hang out with you more at Nimbus. Here's to future t00bages (someday!) and fun. :)
Re: *offers olive branch*
Time over again, I wouldn't have had that exchange after punt!t00bage any other way. Your message made me feel bad for several days, but I fully deserved every one of them. I was completely, 100%, in the wrong about that incident and sorry to have hurt you so much.
there's no excuse for the way I responded to your private post to me
No excuse at all needed; you said what you felt and it would have done neither of us any good for you to moderate or temper your thoughts on the matter. It was my error; I don't see how it would be appropriate for you to change your behaviour to compensate for it. You did absolutely nothing wrong in the least.
Happy to talk about it more if you like, but I definitely felt things were very OK between us when we did meet up with each other at Nimbus. I hope, and feel increasingly confident, that unless I keep cocking things up again and again (and possibly even if I do) then they will be OK for a long, long time to come. :-)
There's one thing that absolutely can't be contradicted. Nimbus was FUN for a LOT of people. You contibuted to that fun. The Quidditch alone made some folks very, very happy.
So, not everything went perfectly. Things seldom do.
I am honestly impressed that any of the organizers' heads stopped spinning long enough for them to *notice* anything they weren't personallyresponsible for, so it's a sad fact but no small wonder that as an organizer your Nimbus experience would likely not have been as fun as others'. I hope everyone who put major work into planning Nimbus '03 will sit back and let others do the work for '05.
Certainly that's all undeniable and I thank you for pointing these things out. You have a wonderful talent for being able to do this when I miss things I really ought to be seeing!
There's more to it than that, though. (Isn't there always?) Lots of things I need to get my head around, my attitudes to fun, my motivations behind things. Often I don't know what my motivations really are. Sometimes I can think of dishonest motivations for me to do the things I have done and can't prove that they didn't apply to at least some extent.
My current ideal thinking is that I'd like to run Really Good Quidditch and Really Good Fandom Squares in 2005. (This all assumes very many prerequisites: there is a Nimbus - 2005, the organisers want me, I still want to do it then, the fandom hasn't changed completely, the finances work out and so on.) I will declare that to be enough and will try not to feel bad about all the things that I'm not doing.
Hopefully one of the things about the successes of Nimbus - 2003 is that it will make more people interested in volunteering to help out with Nimbus - 2005, which will solve a lot of problems.