Teesside Snog Monster (jiggery_pokery) wrote,
Teesside Snog Monster

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Blowing off steam

Millions of thoughts running through my head right now, mostly very confused and very negative. It's a horrible thing to do to accuse people of being dishonest, but right now I'm explicitly looking for bluntness rather than tact; it's the only way for things to improve in the long run. Please consider this a giant "things are OK between us, aren't they?" on the understanding that I'm looking for resolution, I'm looking to know what things aren't OK between us, I'm looking to make amends, I'm looking to know what I need to make amends for and so on. (Not just Nimbus folk - this applies to the world at large.) Anonymous posts welcome, IP addresses not logged, e-mail replies also very welcome. Please take your best shot. I proactively welcome those who say the hard things as being of more use to me and my personal development than those who say the things that they think I want to hear. It's the people to whom I'm closest and whose opinions of me I most care about that I most want to hear from. I do recognise I'm asking something difficult from you here, too.

In a related context, please consider looking at this thread in telepwen's journal (hmm - you probably need to see the original post first for context). Yes, telepwen is who you think she is. She's only human and we've all behaved disgracefully in having our bit of fun at her expense, not least me. It's to our shame that it took ari_o to point this out to us all. Let's try to close this part of the discussion about her right here.

Now there are very important issues considering good behaviour; much as it's important for people to take other folks' excuses and extenuating factors into account, it's important for those other folks to realise that excuses and extenuating factors can only go so far - there are many people and circumstances where there is excellent, pragmatic reason for "so far" to be "not even slightly far at all" - and there comes a point at which you must take responsibility for your own actions. It's difficult. It's bloody difficult. It's life and it's human nature, though.

As you can see, I'm going through some really pretty rotten, negative thoughts right now. While I appreciate all your kind words on my last post, there's a sense in which they don't really help - they don't really enable me to get to grips with my behaviour/comfort/confidence/relaxation issues, which are really important to me. There were long stretches of Nimbus where I wasn't enjoying myself (do not blame yourselves - as discussed, my choice, my fault, I could've done things about it...) just like there were long stretches of the t00bage events where I wasn't enjoying myself. Lots of difficulty fitting in, lots of difficulty accepting that there will be these hard times among the good ones. I'm also having severe thoughts along the lines of "You know, maybe Nimbus wasn't as good overall as we all said it was... perhaps we're all just kidding ourselves". To be fair, it's probably just that, as I said yesterday, I'm feeling bad about things in general for the reasons I discussed - not least because Nimbus is over now - and this bad feeling is inspiring all the negative thoughts. I'm sure these negative thoughts are over-reactions, but I'm also sure that there isn't nothing to them.

Much more cheerfully, last night's dreams.

For some reason, I was on a panel playing Mornington Crescent at Nimbus. (No explanation here.) Then, half-way through, the rules of the game changed - or, being fair, the rules that we played by were completely as sensible as any - and we completely improvised a "The Sword in the Stone" parody; the winner of the game will be the person who can pull this particular toothbrush from the cup. Now there was actually nothing stopping the toothbrush from being removed from the cup, but we managed to invent several ways by which people tried to remove the toothbrush from the cup and failed. Most dramatically, we even got a random non-con-goer to come and help by pulling someone's arm for extra strength, but the person whose arm was pulled pushed in the opposite direction (while appearing to pull) and so the toothbrush remained in the cup. Then we let leiabelle come and remove the toothbrush from the cup completely without hindrance, so she won. It was cool.

Other parts of dreams: watching Tyne Tees, the local station on the ITV network, they put on a little five-minute short between regular shows with lots of presentation graphics from throughout the ITV regions, pictures of the local presenters and so forth - just really weird filler. Then there was a show called "Double Quick" or "Super Quick" which turned out to be exactly the same as the old "Cross Wits" crossword game show, even to the extent of using the same theme tune (which I picked up on in the first four or five notes!) except that there were some numerical clues in the crossword to be solved as well as verbal ones. I remember thinking at the time that the two didn't mesh at all comfortably.

Lastly, the action changed to the scene of one of the Grands Prix - except that, as well as Grand Prix cars going round the track, the drivers could get out of the cars while in the pits and go round on motorbikes, pedal bicycles or even feet. (The cars were not noticeably faster than any other part of the dream.) I can remember reading that someone walked on the track during the British GP while I was away, so perhaps that's what inspired it. Eventually I ended up going around the track myself by a number of different means of transport; I think I was with one of the little teams and our pit crew consisted of one person. Eventually I was walking on the track with British GP commentator Martin Brundle coming up behind me and talking to me. The only part of the conversation I remember was that I said words to the effect of "I thought that the race had finished a few laps ago; if I had known it was still in progress, I'd be making sure I was in the car and trying to win rather than using lots of different forms of transport just for fun".

I'm sure there's meant to be some message in that last one...
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